Thought Pie

The Nation

2006-09-02T14:15:00.000+05:30

These past few years, I feel is the closest we have ever come to a climax in our history.

On one hand we have institutions like the Supreme Court doing its best, and largely succeeding in setting examples for wrong doers in all spheres of life. On the other hand, we have (as usual) politicians doing their very best to drag this nation down to their own cesspool levels.

Lets start from the bottom, i.e. the politicians. Far from doing any good, they seem to be focused on negatively influencing anything and everything they can. I would go so far as to say, making a list of the most evil people in the country wouldn't be difficult. Just take a random sampling of the parliament, the lok sabha and the rajya sabha.

While all these paragons of virtue made a big hue and cry about the Vande Mataram controversy, a TV channel very ingeniously exposed their true colors. It simply asked them the difference between the national song and the nation anthem, then went on to ask them who wrote Vande Mataram. 90% didn't know. One actually said (in Hindi) 'now am I going to answer history questions? am I sitting here to answer these questions?'. It would have been a fitting answer if it had been a spontaneous response. Unfortunately for the idiot in question, he was shown on screen thinking, struggling with a response and then coming up with a belligerent reply in the notable absence of any other.

One case in point is the public lynching of Prof. Sabharwal. It is truly amazing, the depths to which these people can sink. Encouraging their own particular brand of viciousness on campus, politicians have reduced institutions of learning into stinking cesspools, where only things like them can thrive. The saving grace here is that the so called student leaders have now been charged with murder.

Another point is that force which makes the nations head sink in shame every day - the police. They are without morals, literacy, culture, tolerance, knowledge, education, skills or anything that would make their existence of any use. I will not forget the day my license was examined by a cop, who thoughtfully examined it for about a minute... upside down. More than half of these people come in with recommendations from... you got it - politicians. Now people who were meant to perform unskilled labor, when pushed into positions of responsibility have only one thing to look forward to - utter, unavoidable failure. And naturally, they will award god status to those beings who save them from that fate - the politicians.

On our 59th Independence Day, the power went off for about 6 hours in the day. In 60 years of independence, what have we accomplished? I don't really see anything notable. If anyone does see, please tell me.

Even my new dog (4 months old) cringes in shame when she pees on the carpet. What breed politicians belong to, I really don't know. What I am sure of, is that the Kennel Club of India wouldn't register them, regardless of their defecating and fornicating in public, barking, biting the hand that feeds, tendency to react in a rabid fashion and other canine characteristics.

Why? Because they would give dogs a bad name.

BFM

Artists or Pornographers?

2006-08-08T00:21:00.000+05:30

I read an article in the paper a couple of days back, where Mumbai cops entered an art exhibition and ordered a few paintings to be covered. In protest, apparently the artists covered all the exhibits. As is my usual tendency, I mentally lambasted the cops for their narrow mindedness. After all, art through the centuries, has numerous instances of human nudity as a centrepiece.

Today however, I happened to learn of the name of the exhibition - 'Tits, Clits n Elephant Dicks'. Sheesh! If thats what is called art... I'm guilty of flushing countless pieces of art down my toilet cistern every day. What a loss to the nation. Perhaps I should start a neighbourhood 'art collection' drive and get the entire colony to send their personalised pieces of art to the organisers of the exhibition, especially the people who choose and/or approved the name. A few complimentary pieces may go as well to the so called artists who decided to show off their work there. I'm getting ideas now. How about dog art? Perhaps flowing art from the gutters behind my house... the possibilities are endless.

Seriously, either people need to improve the quality of pot they're smoking or stop mixing toilet cleaner with their daily dose of coke.

Art? Humbug!

BFM

Takes one to know one

2006-07-23T12:28:00.000+05:30

This blog was blocked a few days back. Why? Because a bunch of senior IAS Officers (a.k.a. babus) decided over one of their numerous tea breaks that terrorists communicate via blogs.

senior babu: sllluuuurrrp. aaaahhh. so what to do about this blog-shlog saar?
big babu: slllurp. slurp. slurp. bhaat ij this blaag?
junior babu (eager to please): saar terrorisht taalk aan thee blaag.
big babu: michael, go on cycle, and blaack thee blaag. (whatever that is)
senior babu: (munching on biskoot) chomp. chomp. gulp. slurrrp. ok saar.
(so michael, goes on cycle and blocks the blog)

Walk into any babus office. You'll see a computer behind his desk. Probably neatly covered with a plastic or cloth cover, with perhaps a little flower vase or photograph perched on it.

Do you know how to use it? Nyet.
Do you check your email? No, my PA does menial jobs like that.
Do you know how to check email? Nyet.
WTF is the internet anyway? Something my son/daughter uses to chat.
Whats a blog? Duh?
Can you tell your rear end from the front? Ummm... let me see now...

These are the idiots who take decisions regarding technology policy of a nation that is poised for greatness. I'm not saying all of them are like that. Some probably can tell which side their bums lie and still fewer do probably know exactly what the internet is. The problem is, all the good people are quickly shunted off to god forsaken locations where they are probably in charge of maintaining records on the daily changes in the color of tribal faecal matter. Its the ones who are good at politics, schmoozing with politicians, wiggling their fingers under the table, who get the plum posts.

And what do they do?
blaack thee blaag.

BFM

Women in the Indian Army

2006-07-11T10:47:00.000+05:30

I tend to agree with what a senior official in the army said quite recently, but with a twist. I believe women would be better off not joining the Indian Army.

Why would anyone wish to be a part of the corrupt, inefficient, tainted institution it is today?

In fact, I would go so far as to say, the only difference between the officers and the enlisted man today is that one can speak english and the other probably cannot as well. I'm not sure what the officer selection board is doing, besides the onanisation of probable authority. I see newly commissioned officers strutting around in their new found auras of authority, imperiously ordering around 20 year JCOs, with their voices still cracking with youth... and the JCOs trying their best to hide smirks and smiles... its hilarious.

They've been taught everything about authority... nothing about leadership, ethics or morals. Physical discipline has been beaten into them, mental discipline be damned. They know they must be respected, others can go take a hike. They also know they must carry out orders and complete tasks. Quality? Naah, not relevent.

Generals selling out for a bottle of whiskey and a gold chain, Brigadiers smuggling booze, Colonels smearing ketchup and claiming 'kills', Lt Cols involved in espionage, Majors accused of rape, Captains quickly leaving after their 5 year tenure in short service is done, running as far away as possible...

I remember an idealistic young Lt. who I had the opportunity to stay with in an Officers Mess one time. I mentioned that the sheets were filthy. He said 'these are facilities meant for officers, not for families and civilians (meaning me)... and we don't need comfort'. Now if that isn't condoning mediocrity, I'm not sure what is. The same chap who was 100% motivated at that time 5 years back, is now 100% demotivated and has put in his papers to leave. I feel sad for an organisation which cannot retain talented, motivated people who could have made a world of difference.

The end is near... perhaps not literally, but definitely in spirit.

ICICI Private Banking

2006-07-11T10:21:00.000+05:30

I've always maintained that with ICICI, their online tools are great and their people suck. As a direct consequence, I make every effort to ensure that I perform all banking related activities online and as far as possible do not write mails or visit branches. When I do write mails, they have to be clear and simple, else the dud-heads in online support make hash out of it.

Tired of waiting everytime I had to visit the bank (to make a draft for example, on priority), I needed a way to avoid the looong queues. Here I discovered that if you maintain 5,00,000 or more in your account, queues are supposed to magically disappear and you get to sit in a separate cabin or a comfy chair and make your requests, while someone deputed will ensure they are carried out, while you wait.

Needless to say, I was delighted on learning this, and proceeded to divert some savings into my savings account and fixed deposits, rather than mutual funds. In a little while, I had about 2% less and thought it a good time to inquire if I'm on the right track.

Walking into a branch, I was directed into a room where there was this chap seated. He was the 'Senior Relationship Manager - Private Banking', lets call him SD. Nice title huh? Evidently, he thought so too. Seated in front of him, I proceeded to tell him I was interested in opening a private banking account. He looks me up and down and (as we find out later) apparently made a decision, that I, in my scruffy jeans and T-shirt wasn't a suitable specimen to be seated in his nice air conditioned office, and on his nice oh-so-soft chair. With a condescending tone, he asked for my account number. On entering it in the computer, he shakes his head and then proceeded to explain in the most humiliating manner possible, why I wasn't eligible for an account, why my funds should be in a single customer ID (what the fuck is that?, they looked good to me on internet banking). Then he proceeds to ask me how much I have where and then says 'See? You don't have enough', while shaking his head and glaring at me from behind the desk. Then after asking me how much I save every month and learning the figure, he proceeds to call in a colleague and both then proceed to sell me ICICI investments. Me, a worthless bum off the street, not eligible for private banking... is now a potential customer for ICICI investments with 7 digit returns and multi year lock in periods.

Anyway, thats not all... I wait for a week to see if my displeasure had any base and if it persists. It did and I wrote to ICICI bank, explaining that I have an extended relationship (savings accounts, current account, salary accounts, investments, demat and trading accounts, fixed deposits, insurance, bonds and credit cards) and I would like something to be done because I had been badly spoken to. I expected someone (anyone) to apologise and convert my account to a private banking relationship, help organise my funds the way they want and end the matter.

No way!

A bunch of idiots were lined up who proceeded to apologise, apologise and continue apologising and say that 'something would be done'. Amazing! It may also interest you to know, we once called ICICI and asked them the full form of the acronym ICICI. The girl didn't know. Over the phone we heard her asking her manager, who also didn't know. He in turn called Bombay, where they finally enlightened him on the full name of the company he worked for. Now if thats what they call 'Human Resources', I must be god!

I now have a similar relationship with HSBC, who I am happy to say, gave me my account number in under 2 hours.

BFM

Doctors or Conmen

2006-06-30T21:17:00.000+05:30

I have this chap working in the house as a generic man friday.

He had this pain in his leg for the past few days and we suggested he visit the doc. We live in Sector 29 NOIDA and there's this hospital closeby, lets call it Bdwaj hospital. For the record, it was a muscle pull kind of problem. The chap goes there and complains of a pain in the leg. He is referred to a cardiologist, who sends him for a blood test, a chest x-ray, gives him pain killers. The poor chap ends up paying 500 bucks in all and coming back still not knowing why his leg is paining.

We all understand people have to make money, but not through dishonest means. Taking advantage of another mans ignorance or ones own specialist knowledge is not the done thing. In the case of doctors I wouldn't hesitate before calling it criminal breach of trust.

BFM

Indian Education

2006-06-18T00:32:00.000+05:30

Here we are again with my favourite bug bear... our beloved government babus (read 'clerks' or 'civil services'). This time its about the wonderfully idiotic aspects in the brand new examination marking system they've come up with.

Most people need a snort of cocaine or a few deep drags of specially cultivated marijuana to achieve certain levels of thoughtlessness, stupidity or professional incompetence. Not so with our esteemed babus. If I didn't know better, I would have said they've been specially bred for the purpose of gubernatorial glitches. If I let my imagination run a little towards the wild side, I'd think of a conspiracy where nationwide tests pin point those individuals on the lower end of everything mental and ensure they get through our civil services examinations. I will admit however, that a few genuinely talented individuals do get through.

"All the better to manipulate you my dear", said the big bad wolf to little red riding hood, and grinned, showing sharp yellow teeth, stained with the rotting shreds of previous victims and foul with the corrupt taint of long crunched bones.

I'll leave you to interpret that last bit.

Anyhow, getting to the point. Apparently, spellings do not matter any more. As A.M. Wattal, (respectable) Principal of Springdales School, Delhi explicitly opines in a report in the India Today, as long as the subject matter is understood, why do spellings matter?

Eye wud tend tu agri wit dat and eevin admyr the ekstrim kurej reekwayerd in saing sumthing sow potenshialee eksplociv. aftar ol, vy do spelingz mater, thai'r jest wurdz! alekzander cryd ven he thot their wuz nuthing mor to conker... A.M. Wattal vil newer hav that problem.

According to Mr. Pavnesh Kumar, CBSE Examination Controller, "The examination system has become more scientific and objective over the years...". I wonder what will happen in a few years. Lets take a sample question:

Then
Q3. In the play "Hamlet" written by William Shakespeare, examine the plot and discuss in your own words how the protagnist struggles with his conscience, and how his decision affects the final outcome. (40 marks)

Now
Q3. In the play "Hamlet" written by William Shakespeare, examine the plot and choose the answer that best fits how the protagnist struggles with his conscience, and how his decision affects the final outcome. (40 marks)

a. Go dude!!
b. Wicked
c. Loser man

As usual, I will put it down to political ineptitude and the presence of uneducated louts in positions of social, moral and intellectual responsibility. I have a four year old daughter. I'm wondering what will happen in a decade or so, when such people make decisions that will change her future.

BFM

Of Spoiled Brats and Criminal Parents

2006-05-12T08:26:00.000+05:30

Yesterday's incident in Gurgaon was appalling but not really surprising. It's been happening for a while now and will continue to do so. Apparently a rich kid of 16, rammed his Optra into a security guard, crushing his legs.

Kids will be kids. They will all want fast cars and when they have them, they will want to drive them fast. Thats why we have parents... to bring up children with real values and with a balanced sense of right and wrong, moral and immoral.

Not these people though. They illegally procure driving licenses for their underage children. They give them access to powerful cars and bikes. When their kids commit a crime, they boast of being able to extricate them from jail in six hours or less through political connections. Whats more, even schools back the children (or young men I should say) in question.

These kids then grow to be law breakers, without any morals... rich law breakers however.

I have a suggestion here. Unless a parent has disowned his ward, in writing, and filed it in a court, with evidence of a clear delinking... jail the father! impose financial penalties of such magnitude that parents cringe at the thought of providing their kids with cars and other such paraphernalia. If unable to pay, let them serve jail terms.

If the kid...
- is underage and is driving without a license - 15 lakhs
- is underage and is driving with an illegal license - 5 lakhs + 10000 per day since license issue
- causes an accident without casualties - 5 lakhs + actual costs + 5000 per day spent in fixing
- causes an accident with casualties - 10 lakhs + actual costs + 1000 per hour spent in recuperation

PLUS all of the above requires COMPULSORY RUSTICATION from school.

I guarentee it... if parents are subjected to these fines, their kids will automatically fall in line. Social and financial pressure will make sure of it.

Until then, I can only feel sorry for the misguided kids, casualties and undiluted disgust at these criminal parents.

BFM

Whats the Army for?

2006-05-04T08:00:00.000+05:30

What is Army for? Flood relief and traffic control? What do we strut around for on the 26th of January? Who are we showing our so called might to?

Is making strong diplomatic protests all India knows how to do? Indian citizens have been getting killed left right and centre in the most diabolic and gruesome manners possible and all our government does is lodge strong protests? The most recent example is that of the Indian engineer in afghanisthan.

If thats all we can do, I say the entire government (politicians, babus, judiciary et. al) are a bunch of wet nosed snivelling cowards in tri color soiled diapers.

I say catch the owner of the company he worked for. Put him behind bars for as long as possible Impose strict financial penalties on his company and afganisthan. Send out the Army. Make sure our citizens are protected. Ensure the afghan government pays out aid to his family from the billions they are receiving in aid... there are so many things that can be done. But first of all an Indian life must be valued. How will others value an Indian life when it is not valued in India? Given the sub human nature of politicians, election time is the only time these pieces of crap care for citizens of the country... and then we talk about brain drain and how Indians prefer to live and prosper elsewhere.

Apart from a strong feeling of disgust, there is little else in terms of emotions this country evokes in day to day life.

BFM

It Makes Sense Only In India

2006-04-30T09:56:00.000+05:30

I've been thinking lately, as I'm sure millions of other Indians have been... just what do we pay taxes for?

Think of this. India is a country, that claims to be a nuclear power and that claims to be a force to recon with in the IT/ITES sectors. Yet, the IQ-Challenged gentlemen who govern the nation cannot ensure that every urban (in the capital, no less!) is provided with electricity and water! Our grayMatter-Deficient finance minister has borrowed from all the developed nations when it come to putting together a set of laws for income tax calculation and collection. What this nincompoopish action didn't think of was that these nations provide the basics for their citizens! Be it a police force, governance, basic amenities like water and electricity, proper education and roads among others.

With what face then did our darling coke-bottom lenses finance minister decide to levy all these taxes for then? We all know that politicians are shameless pieces of extra terrestrial excreta of the smelliest kind... but this is a step ahead even for them.

Electricity is not enough, nor is it controlled. Voltage fluctuations ensure appliances regularly conk off. Will the electricity department pay for them? Water that looks and smells like sewer water is what comes through the pipes. Everyone is forced to install expensive reverse osmosis water purifiers. What does the DJB do? The police and paramilitary forces are pathetic, with uneducated, uncultured, louts, touts and bullies from every cesspool in the country joining up at all levels, from the beat stalking constable to senior administrators. Roads are in shameful conditions with most roads flooding and collapsing every monsoon.

What I'd like to know is... just what are these elected representatives doing to earn their keep. That most politicians are corrupt, self centred, selfish, uneducated, bullies and overall severely deficient in even the most rudimentary forms of intelligence... we know. Point is, most policiticians the world over are the same. However, they have some semblence of control and shame. So while they do fill their pockets, they ensure that some development happens.

India however, is a different story. Its been over 50 years of independence, yet basic amenities continue to elude us.

So... why do we pay taxes?

BFM

Hailloji, Taam Ispeeking

2006-04-20T08:13:00.000+05:30

The title is exactly what an American or British customer will hear when he next calls a support line. Or perhaps the next time you use your computer you may see messages like 'Sarch' for 'Search' or 'Phaind' for 'find' and so on. Provided of course, the job reservations mandate for the private sector goes through. That the person will almost certainly not pass voice training will be passed off as discrimination.

Who tells these idiots that getting a job is the easiest part? Keeping it is what counts. Will we then also have a section in the mandate that specifies how long a person should be kept on the job and how much lower levels of performance he is allowed?

The most hilarious part of the entire reservations subject is that the government is actually encouraging mediocrity in the target caste group by lowering essential requirements. For example, lowering grade requirements for becoming a doctor, engineer or lawyer. Or lowering physical requirements to enter the police or other para military forces. By doing so, they are weaking the very structure of a given institution.

Given many Indians have a caste bias and therefore some castes require job reservations... but at least do it in a manner vaguely resembling intelligent!

Imagine this... the next time you go to a doctor, ask him if he's SC/ST or OBC. If he is, it may be better if you just get up and walk out, his feelings be damned. Why would you want to take a chance with your health, by consulting a person who got into the system on a bias and with a lower amount of the basics required for his profession - brains? Alternatively of course, you could ask to see his 12th grade certificates.

The Congress needs to do a major rethink before it tries to trip up this train. An axe just wont do for some people.

"myself jaan. juaar gud name pliss. bhat can ai doo phar ju tooday"

BFM

American Tourists

2006-04-18T07:13:00.000+05:30

In the paper today - 'American tourists to be taught manners'. It also quotes the chief of the BDA as saying 'Americans abroad as viewed as arrogant, insensitive, over-materialistic and ignorant about local values'.

I'd say you're right Mr. Reinhard.

There isn't a single US citizen I can claim to have met, who was otherwise. All of them, without exception can speak only a single language (most Indians speak 2 at the very minimum) and that too, can't spell most reasonably complex words, have no semblence of culture or appreciation of one, unless a stuffed thanksgiving turkey is enough, are arrogant and consider themselves to be the be all and end all of any topic they choose to dominate and finally, have no values to speak of, and don't appreciate/understand the same in others. I hereby award the US with the distinction of having the largest number of 'educated' idiots in the world... after some countries in the middle east of course... but then those beings can't be counted as human, considering their antics and respect for human values.

Going this way, it wont be long before US manufactured urinals have a metal plaque above them that says 'piss here'.

New Soap

2006-04-05T07:47:00.000+05:30

Going by all the new soap ads, I decided to make a new soap myself. Setting up a laboratory in the back of my shed, I added milk, cream, raisins, extract of apple, neem, walnut, ground walnut shell, almonds, lemon peel, lemon extract, soya, cucumber peel, cucumber extract, orange extracts, potato extract, apricot extracts and a hundred other ingredients.Distilling this mixture was a bit more complicated and smelly than I expected, however, here's the final result. If this is what the soap and the 'beauty' compounds look like before their entry into my bathroom, perhaps we'll have to go back to the basics and use dried gourd scrubbers, homemade soap with ash and lye and natural ingredients.

BTW: You can click on the picture for a closer view.

BFM

The New Indica Xeta

2006-04-05T07:35:00.000+05:30

I'm glad to see an automobile company investing heavily in IQ research. Tata Motors latest advertisement claims that if you do not buy their latest car, the Indica Xeta, 'you gotta be dumb'. Considering their ad is copied from the movie 'dumb and dumber', I'm wondering just how intelligent they are?

Seriously speaking, looking at the ad seriously, it actually does attempt to classify the entire population of the world, who does not own an Indica Xeta, probably their own customers who own other Tata Motors products, as 'dumb'.

How dumb can you get?

BFM

New Blog on the Block

2006-04-03T10:45:00.000+05:30

Please welcome [applause], our new compadre [more applause] - tongue of steel! Started by Rekhender Dhawan, or just Dhawan, he is known for his acerbic sense of humor, witty rejoinders and in general, humorous disposition. He is also recognizable by the exclamation marks that are generously scattered all over his writings, typically occurring in sets of three.

Welcome Mr. Dhawan, we look forward to reading your next article.

BFM

Mrs Pannalal and the Candy Corner

2006-03-31T07:55:00.000+05:30

I went to this candy shop the other day. While there, we had this slight incident with an attendent, which was quickly resolved. We all know rural haryanvis stopped evolving mentally and socially around the time of early neanderthal man, so I've stopped blaming them for any service deficiencies. Shown below are two skulls, one of early neanderthal man, about 230,000 years old and the other 10 years old. Do note the similarities.

Specifically note the stubbornly jutting jaw and that there isn't much space for the brains.

Anyway, it was here that we met Mrs. Pannalal, probably another rural haryanvi, who was supposedly the Shop Manager. She appeared to be around 55 years old. I would have understood if she was the secretary to the personal assistant of the junior janitor... but Shop Manager? Understandably, I was upset, as the issue with the assistant involved my daughter, he had been a trifle rough with her. The problem came not with the assistant but with Mrs Pannalal. The conversation goes like this:

Mrs. Pannalal: "You know, parents lose track of their children here"
Me: "We were looking at her"
MP: "I'm the mother of a defence officer you know, so I'm always right"
Me: "but but..."

MP: "We face the problem of children in this shop... destructive little things"
Me: "We were looking at her"
MP: "I'm an ex Montessori teacher you know, so I'm always right"
Me: "but but..."

MP: "You're a father now, you mustn't do these kind of things"
Me: "But there was this guard..."
MP: "I've been doing this for 15 years you know, so I'm always right"
Me: "but but..."

Someone should have told her 'you're an ancient artifact now. don't talk so much or you'll crack up and fall into smelly little pieces'.

MP: "You should be more careful"
Me: "We were looking at her"
MP: "I'm menopausal you know, so I 'm always right"
Me: "but but..."

Anyway, thats how the 'conversation' went. The only positive point in her favor would probably be that she is a large benefactor of the kaajal industry, judging by the two thick black rings carefully applied on the front side of her head (can't call it a face anymore... scarred visage perhaps?). I'm also wondering what she's been managing for the last 15 years... Saddam's 'friendly neighbourhood dictator' program? It certainly looked like that.

I'm sure Dr. Montessori (1870 - 1952) would turn over in her grave, god rest her soul, had she heard Mrs Pannalal's tall claims. I shudder to think of all those poor children she must have bullied and beaten up. (whack) "the teacher is?" (whack) "always right" (whack) "who's always right?" (whack) the teacher (whack)

I happened to mention the word 'skewed' and she went red! Huffing and puffing, stomping and stamping, she stormed away. Later we found that the old crone hadn't heard of the word, and this supposedly educated, montessori teacher, mother of a defence officer (poor chappie, fighting militants must have been preferable), customer service expert for 15 years, thought i was saying 'screwed'. Then again, the hearing does deteriorate at that advanced age or perhaps it was wishful thinking in classic denial.

I wonder why people pay peanuts when they are always assured of getting monkeys for the price. Exotic, aged monkeys with kohl lined eyes perhaps, even with degrees... but arrogant, psychotic, uneducated monkeys nonetheless.

Cooking for Dhawan - How to boil water

2006-03-24T08:06:00.000+05:30

At Mr. Dhawan's express request here is a set of instructions on how to boil water.

You will need:

As much water as you would like to boil. Refer to recipe for exact amount
Metal container of 10% more more capacity than the amount of water to be boiled

What you need to do:
1. Put water into container
2. Switch on and light gas
3. Cover the container with a cover, preferably with a heat retardant handle
4. Wait
5. Observe the water to see if bubbles are rapidly escaping from the bottom of the container
6. Observe the surface to see if it is highly agitated
7. To confirm use a high temperature food thermometer to confirm if the water is at 100 C
8. Switch off gas or use water as indicated by recipe

BFM

Cooking for Dhawan - Mulberry Jam

2006-03-22T18:31:00.000+05:30

The mulberry tree in our was scattering the grass below with large, sweet, light green mulberries. Apart from the fact that I don't like stepping on them, thought I'd do something about them. So we picked them off the ground, sorted them... discarding the badly bruised ones and keeping the slightly ripe and ripe ones. Then we did what anyone else would have done... made jam!

You'll need:
500g mulberries, washed and destalked
500g sugar (reduce by up to 20% if you like)
2 medium sized lemons, squeezed into a bowl, no seeds
2 small cloves

What you need to do:
1. Put the mulberries, sugar, cloves and lemon juice into a pan
2. Stir briefly till the sugar is mixed in well and the mixture is about to boil
3. Simmer for 30 minutes
4. Take off the fire, let cool slightly, till its cool enough to eat without blowing
5. Store in a clean dry jar.

- Remember not to wait for too long or it'll stick to the pan.
- Don't keep for too long.
- Spread on toast, eat with pancakes or roll inside paranthas.

BFM

Cooking for Dhawan - Crunchy Vegetables with Almonds

2006-03-21T22:06:00.000+05:30

Rekhender Dhawan is a friend, who claims to be so far removed from cooking that he doesn't know how to boil a pot of water. This article and more in the same series is for him and people like him.

Crunchy Vegetables with Almonds

You'll need:

One medium sized clump of fresh broccoli
10 almonds
1 large carrot or 2 medium sized ones
10 cherry tomatoes
2 medium sized spring onions or scallions
1 liter of water with 3 table spoons of salt in it
1 tablespoon olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste
2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

What to do:
1. Put the water on the pot to boil (sorry mr. dhawan, you'll need to learn how to do that)
2. Separate the clump of broccoli into florets about an inch across in size
3. Soak the almonds in a bowl of hot water
4. Cut the carrot lengthwise into half and then cut the halves into 1 inch pieces
5. Chop the scallions into 1 inch lengths
6. When the water boils, put the carrots into it, after a minute, put the broccoli in as well.
7. Take the almonds out of the water and peel them, and cut into thin slivers.
8. When the vegetables have spent a minute and a half in the water, take them out.
9. Drain the vegetables in a sieve and pour cold water over them.
10. Put the vegetables, cherry tomatoes, onions into a large bowl
11. Drizzle 1 tablespoon of olive oil over them
12. Mix in the garlic and lemon juice
13. Add salt and pepper to taste
13. Garnish with the almonds
14. Serve with crusty bread or flavored toast

BFM

Chinese Takeaway

2006-03-19T16:21:00.000+05:30

The results are finally out for the best Chinese food takeaway joint in NOIDA. The contestants were Yo! China, Mark Pi and The Fortune Cookie.

---
Quality of Food
Mark Pi - Good
Yo! China - Excellent
Fortune Cookie - Boring and uninspired, sometimes even bad.

Quantity of Food
Mark Pi - A 6 year old would ask for more.
Yo! China - Sufficient
Fortune Cookie - More than sufficient

Phone Order Taking
Mark Pi - Very polished
Yo! China - Passable
Fortune Cookie - Duh! Me Neanderthal, what is you? Grunt Grunt

Quality of Chopsticks
Mark Pi - Very Good
Yo! China - Ummm... do you really need them?
Fortune Cookie - And those are?

Quality of Packaging
All scored even
---
The winner here is Yo! China mostly due to the sufficient quantity of food they serve and its excellent quality.

BFM

Iqbal

2006-03-19T16:17:00.000+05:30

Just finished watching the movie 'Iqbal'.
When my wife brought it, I probably looked cynic and was resigned to a boring evening watching it. However, now that I've seen it, I'm at a loss of words to describe the movie... wonderful, overwhelming, touching, fun, studendous, marvellous, great, good, excellent and exciting are some I would use.

Must see!!!

BFM

Irresponsible Call Centers

2006-03-05T15:11:00.000+05:30

We are all aware of the case of young call center employee who was raped and murdered by the taxi driver. We also remember that this was primarily due to the callous attitude of the call center management who don't really let anything come in the way of their profits, till it makes its way into the newpapers. NASSCOM's glowing reports have probably made them feel like virual samsons in their own petty little world. Anyhow, I've already written about this.

We all are also probably aware that among the worst and riskiest drivers on the road are vehicles chartered by call centers. I always used to blame the drivers, till I met one ex- call center driver, and then confirmed his story from a few others.

Apparently, all the contractors, are given impossible timelines to meet, under threat of contract cancellation. Therefore, each driver has to literally race against time to ensure that he or his company is not fired. Naturally, there will be numerous times when they are rash. While I do not condone rash or negligent driving, it is very easy for us to take the philosophical stand in the comfort of our homes or offices.

Why don't the call centers hire more vehicles? It will affect profits of course! Let a few people die on the road, a vehicle capsize killing all within, then suddenly each call center will publish lengthy commentaries and reports on how they have been analysing this and were going to hire more vehicles anyway.

Like I've said earlier, human life is cheap, corporate reputations are not.

BFM

Human Quality Crisis

2006-03-05T14:48:00.000+05:30

I've been looking closely of late, at the quality of people employed in service areas of different industres. These include anyone who has a human interface to speak to customers, answer queries, serve and so on.

The prime thing I've noticed is, the greatly reduced quality of people who man these interfaces. Don't get me wrong here. I'm sure all of them have wonderfully potent degrees, printed on the best quality toilet paper available. I'm also sure they come from families with fairly decent values. The problem here is quality. For example, the person on the phone in the call center who cannot go beyond the written script and insists at 1:30am that the manager is in a meeting and will remain there for the next 5 hours, the surly person at the fast food counter, the waiter who is only capable of grunted monosyllables, the manager in a starred hotel who introduces himself as 'myself amit gulati' and so on. The list is endless.

I'm sure there are good people out there. So why are these people allowed to enter service industries? Reminds me of the surly sikh at the McDonalds counter a couple of days back. Back straight, chin up, all warrier-like qualities at full alert, he enters and serves my order and then literally orders me, 'your wrap will be done in 5 minutes. pick it up youself.' No 'please', no 'thank you'. From my past experience, any such orders are served at the table.

Dignity of labor? Naah. Not yet.

Perhaps thats the problem. Most companies are pretty much fine, till they enter India. Then on, their service takes a swift kick up the ass. Is it because Indians consider it a slur on their dignity to be reduced to serving others, or is it because Indians just cannot follow orders in the form of a written process? Whatever it is, we need to fix it and at the same time bring in some semblence of dignity of labor.

BFM

Indian 'Cash or Credit' Justice

2006-02-26T19:13:00.000+05:30

That so called Indian justice
- works for those in power
- is ineffective
- is for sale

... is known. What I wasn't aware of, is that it is so blatantly corrupt, so as to aquit the accused in a virtually open-and-shut case, without bothering to even construct a semblence a effort to portray the desire for justice. So, lets see, who do we have here:

- The Police Department
- The Central Bureau of Investigation
- The Judiciary
- Politicians

What these 'gentlemen' need to do, is to open up a shop in eBay and make the process of buying justice easier. Why slink around in dark alleys or members only clubs when you can hold an open auction? After all, if I want to buy justice some day, I'd like a fighting chance. 'Ek Ka Do' Justice!

The other thing I wonder about is, how do such filthy people get elected into office? No real education, no culture, no character, no skills (unless you consider marksmanship at close range) and so on. Frankly, this should also make the Indian voting public hang their heads in shame. We elect the dregs of humanity into positions of power. Why then do we wail when they do what they do best? Would we expect a pile of shit to do anything but stay where it is placed and stink?

One of these days, we will see the rise of vigilantes. When you have a society, where law makers become law breakers and the entire infrastructure of justice is for sale, those who cannot afford to play the game, will then play it their way. One fine day, Manu Sharma or someone like him, or perhaps someone not like him, will be blown away by someone... who will be blamed? How do you blame someone for taking the law into his own hands, when there really isn't anyone who represents him - the common man. Hang the bugger - who asked him to be born common!

What we need is public accountability. We need laws, enforced laws, that bar the entry of filth into politics, that cashier a corrupt cop while the grin of newly gained money is still in place, that oust a judge from his position in the judiciary just as fast.

Of course, all of this will not happen. But its nice thinking about it.

BFM

Danish Cartoon

2006-02-20T14:28:00.000+05:30

I've been thinking extensively on the issue of the offending Danish cartoon. My thoughts were largely conflicting and tended to go one way or another. Now, I've finally stopped thinking about it and found what I personally feel are core to the whole issue.

We must learn mutual respect
How sensible is it to print the image of a god-figure, worshipped by a well known religious community on underwear, floor mats, toilet seats and other such places? On immediate inspection there's not much incentive not to. However, if you know that the figure is a worshipped one, then you are bound to check up the effect your action may have on sentiments of people who practice the religion in question. In the same manner, it is not the done thing to make fun of the prophets or figures that are worshipped by people, whether it is done in the best interests of art, philosophy or humor. We must understand first and then act (or draw!).

Responsibility and Rights go hand in hand. One has to complement and support the other. The right to free speech is not higher than our civic responsibility.

We must practice self restraint
We find we have been wronged, as a people or as members of a faith. Ok. Write a letter. Write to many people. Sue the entity responsible. Write a thousand letters. Write a thousand letters to a thousand people. Boycott the entity... How sensible is it to take to the streets, destroy property, kill people, act like hooligans in general, offer to pay 50+ crores for the decapitating of a cartoonist, take up a protest against the US president, and then transmogrify the entire thing into an anti-west rally? If we want to be taken seriously as a people, as practitioners of a faith that we want to showcase to the world, is this really the right path... demonstrating a lack of tolerance, civilty, culture, common sense and general human characteristics?

We do have to draw a line somewhere. Thats when we can call ourselves civilised.

Conclusion
I feel both sides have been extremely immature and childish. However, the 'wronged' side is now swiftly causing itself to lose any kind of sympathy due to its continued violence, even in the face of repeated apologies.

BFM

Pseudo Kimchi

2006-02-16T20:59:00.000+05:30

I'm wondering why some restaurants in NOIDA insist on serving Kimchi, when they don't have an inkling (apparently) of how to make it. I'm specifically referring to The Fortune Cookie in NOIDA and Yo! China's outlets.

They cut up cabbage and some assorted vegetables, add some tomato sauce, vinegar and lo and behold the humble cabbage is transformed into Kimchi. Crazy Koreans! Spending so much time in the seasoning, preparation and fermenting of Kimchi inside special refrigerators. Yo! China should invite them over and teach them a thing or two about Kimchi. Right?

BFM

Exemplary Companies

2006-02-15T17:45:00.000+05:30

We received a call on our landline phone a couple of weeks back, that offered a post paid connection. Since we were thinking of puchasing another cellular number anyway, we agreed to have a rep visit us. So he did. While filling out the form, he mentioned that any prepaid connections can be converted to post paid as well. On asking if there were any changes to the way I operate the phone currently, other than the fact that I will have to pay a bill at the end of the month, rather than recharging the card, he emphatically denied. So I filled out another form to convert my pre paid card to a post paid card.

This morning, when I attempted an ISD call, which I do regularly, I found the service wasn't available. Although I knew that in a normal post paid connection this facility is available on the payment of a deposit, the rep's denial of any changes made me assume otherwise.

On calling the company, I found their attitude totally skewed. "Sorry. Pay the money. Make an ISD". On top of it, the people on the phone didn't even possess basic comprehension skills and were totally unhelpful, except for one person, who I spoke to in the end, who made my day brighter.

I then drafted a letter explaining the situation, and emailed it to a few email addresses provided on their website.

The company in question here is Airtel.

This line onwards I had written stuff that would have made a seaman's ears turn red. However, in the midst of writing it, I received a call from Airtel roughly about 12 hours from the time I sent the mails, informing me that ISD will be activated on my phone in 30 minutes and would I like international roaming with it?

[gushing] As I told the lady on the phone, I am sincerely impressed with their turnaround time. I only wish they would do something about their call center people... better people, better information, better processes... but then thats an industry I know very little about.

From thinking about changing my number and boycotting Airtel, I now want to be a shareholder. Talk about a change in attitude!

BFM
PS: The previous title of this entry was 'unscruplous companies'

Random Thoughts III

2006-02-10T16:32:00.000+05:30

Just remembered a friend who is currently in Seattle and went to see the much praised and mentioned, Space Needle. While there, since it certainly wouldn't do not to purchase a memento, he made for the memento stand and pondered over which one to buy.

During his deliberations, he happened to pick one up and while examining it, flipped it over... there it was - "Made in China".

BFM

Saddam Hussein

2006-02-10T16:08:00.000+05:30

Hang the bugger.

BFM

Gubernatorial Glitches

2006-02-10T15:48:00.000+05:30

I'm wondering when the Government of India and its employees are going to change their lackadaisical attitude towards any kind of functionality enhancement.

We realized today that the electricity bill hadn't reached us. Remembering that the Paschimanchal Vidyut Vitaran Nigam Limited has a website, we went there only to find that the site was so badly coded that it just didn't work. Run time errors, database connection problems, you name it, its there.

To me it sounds like government babus have a problem with a perceived dilution of their authority. "Website?", they would probably exlaim with a mixture of shock and horror, "oh no! we like it when people come to our oversize offices, walking past the stinking loos, bribe the peon, fold their hands and say, 'sirjee bill nahi aaya (sir we did not get our bill)'. That way we can feel important and actually useful. After all what else do we have to do besides tasks of nature?"

Looking at its policies, looks like our esteemed government is doing the same thing - creating jobs. Look at it this way, if a person is competent, he WILL get a job. If he is not, he WILL NOT. That person then goes on ahead and joins the IAS, IPS or perhaps the Army.

Anyway, coming back to the point, perhaps this is why I have not had an account in a government bank in the last 12 years, ever since a teller decided to be rude or why I have never been an MTNL subscriber, ever since MTNL decided to take my deposit and never install a phone.

On the other hand, I must give credit where its due. Our performance and in fact dominance at Davos, made me, after a long time, proud to be an Indian.

BFM

The Internet for Dummies

2006-02-09T11:08:00.000+05:30

"Don't use it"

If anyone is writing a book, I strongly recommend, thats all it should contain. Reading the Delhi Times this morning, I came across an article titled 'Annoying Internet', the (dumb) purpose of which is to highlight the problems faced by (dumb) delhiites while surfing the net.

There's this (dumb) chappie who says "... it provides with unlimited search results and I am unable to pick and choose the right one" - Could someone PLEASE tell this Einstein that you do need an IQ above the common garden snail to use the net?

Then we have an (intellectually challenged) arts student who claims "... huge problem of popup windows... slows down the processor... explicit nature containing nudity... popups lead to disconnection" - we have two new theories here -

(1) popups slow down your processor.
(2) popups disconnect an internet connection.

of course, I'm also wondering just what kind of art is being researched here... to cause explicit popups.

Best of all, a Consultant (Notice there is no adjective before the consultant as in the others. Thats because 'consultant' is an accepted synomym for 'dumb'.) who says '... great use to me... lot of internet based research... lot of downloadable software... practically destroyed my laptop' - Use a virus scanner you, you... consultant!

Seriously, the dumb quotient is getting higher and higher. Delhi wasn't really known for intellectual depth anyway, but to be known for dumbness is another thing altogether.

BFM

Random thoughts - II

2006-02-07T11:04:00.000+05:30

Dreamt this up (literally) the other day.

Background
Many sites that allow registration require the user to identify numbers and letters from a distorted graphic, in order to reduce automated registrations. Many times, since the 'intelligence' of automated algorithms is increasing, it becomes difficult even for me to identify which letter/number is indicated in the graphic, due to the level of distortion.

Suggestion
Why not display a graphic that contains a mixture of say fruits and vegetables and ask the user to just enter the number of fruits in the picture. Or perhaps a bunch of animals and the user has to enter the number indicated against the biggest one. I really don't think automated algorithms will be able to beat this one very easily... hazarding a guess, I would say at least a decade before that kind of intelligence can be applied.

BFM

My New Mugg

2006-02-06T07:22:00.000+05:30

Rejoice, all and sundry, for I have a new mugg. Looks like this... with a 'Taurus' on it.

Weep, my friends, for I have been screwed by Barista once again. Bought a mug, marked up by Barista, over and above the MRP suggested by the manufacturer, www.hotmuggs.com. I'm wondering how they consistently keep getting on my wrong side.

I hope to meet a senior marketing executive in a dark alley someday. In the meanwhile, their blueberry muffins have improved. (see earlier post)

Random thoughts

2006-01-30T22:26:00.000+05:30

Sitting and working today in my home office, between endless cups of coffee, I found myself thinking of some people who I hadn't met in a while. If you think about it, there are some people who are like those bits of rubber underneath the seats of toilets. You never miss them till they're gone.

An ICICI bank ad was just flashing on the TV and included the words 'your money moves faster than an F1 car', and then they flashed some flattering phrase about their role in our lives. Got me thinking, my money is already moving faster than an F1 right now... without their help... away from me. I'm not sure I need their help here... especially since the next 2 months income is already spent.

Was reading the latest India Today (at least I think it was the latest) and found on the last page, a girl. No surprise, since the last page always has girls, most of them scantily clad. Anyway, this particular girl had won some title in the Miss India contest. She was also about to begin work with a Bengali film director. In addition she had this to say, "... I do not want to become another item girl". Looking at her mug and the rest of the stuff she's lugging around in life, I would have asked her who in his right mind would ask her to become an item girl.

By the way, looking at the increasing number of horses who are winning titles in the Miss India contest, I strongly feel the contest should go back to what a beauty contest is all about - beauty + perhaps wits. If we need to be so damn politically correct, we might as well have the contest on the web, ask participants to write IQ tests, submit their vital stats, a web cam pic and their email address. May the best email address win!

Quality in Schools

2006-01-30T22:17:00.000+05:30

Recently, the son of a friend of mine came over to print a school report. When I saw the report, I found it was... well, bad. The table of contents had 4 entries, but was in font size 40 or something, "to make it fill up the page", he said. The rest of the document was equally big, double spaced stuff.

I immediately offered to do the document again. 'No charge', I promised him. He was reluctant. He first said, "my partner will not agree". Later he came out with the truth. Apparently, his teacher had shown them last years reports. All the highest marks went to those with the maximum number of pages in their reports, regardless of the quality of content and professional quality of formatting. The low marks when to those who had less but high quality content and formatting. This clearly goes to show that the teacher placed more emphasis on the number of pages submitted than what was in them.

Therefore, this young man (11th standard), has a skewed or destroyed quality perspective before he even joins the mainstream work/business force. And when he finally does make it there, I shudder to think of his contributions to his chosen profession, till he finally realises the difference between quantitative and qualitative.

Missionaries of Charity

2006-01-24T20:58:00.000+05:30

On my last visit to Kanpur a little more than 3 years ago, I visited the MOC, an organization started by Mother Theresa. It began with my mother mentioning the good work being done by them for abandoned babies in and around Kanpur.

The gates are unassuming with a modest board with proclaiming their name. They throng with people standing outside waiting to enter. We do not know the purpose yet. When we reach the gates, a volunteer opens it and beckons the crowd to stand aside to let us pass. They do so, giving us undisguised looks of curiosity. We drive into a cobblestone path. An ambulance stands on one side. The main building is dilapidated but cared for as much as their meager funds allow. The grounds, though small, have flower bushes and other plants. As we enter the building, we notice a garlanded picture of Mother Theresa. People pass us on their way out, clutching cardboard sweet boxes and a banana each. These, we learn later, are being given to the poor, on the 5th death anniversary of Mother.

The reception area inside the building contains ancient wooden chairs with latticed plastic seats. The tiled flooring is immaculately clean. On our right we can see a small room with cribs set against the walls. All the cribs are empty. We pass through into another room with 8 cribs. Each has a little girl inside of various ages. Two little girls in tiny yellow frocks stand inside joyously announcing their presence to the world. Fair skinned and fair haired, one stares at us through light brown eyes. A one toothed smile soon follows, which makes me pick her up and think of my own 6 month old daughter… secure in the warmth of her mothers love. The little girl is the same size as my daughter and twice her age. Each metal crib, though scratched and old, is clean and so are the little mattresses and sheets within them. Each one contains a little girl, all wearing identical frocks. The material was perhaps donated by a well wisher. I pick up one and she clings to me, all the while staring at me with those beautiful brown eyes. Why would anyone abandon such a beautiful child? The second one looks up at us as if she’s trying to say ‘why not me?’ my mother picks her up and we continue to look through the mission. The room further ahead contains more cribs with smaller babies, all beautiful children with just one fault… they were all girls. Abandoned by their parents before they had a chance to show the world what they are capable of. Perhaps this will be their second chance at life.

We speak to the nun who is supervising the volunteers and lending a hand in the daily activities. What do they need? What can we do to add a little flavor of meaning to our own empty lives? She has answered this question before. The list of what one can do to help out is endless. The babies are fed milk powder based milk and they consume 60 kilos a month. Sheets, nappies and other consumables fill the list of essentials the babies could do with. Suddenly the amount I had in mind, which for me was a ‘good’ amount, became paltry.

We go into the neighboring room. Here the babies are even smaller. Some picked up by good Samaritans or the nuns themselves. They are the smallest of the entire family, some weighing less than a kilo. The walls are covered with toys and gay, colorful posters. Two babies wriggle in their sleep in an ancient incubator. They could also do with a new incubator, the nun tells us. One tiny infant has a malformation. Her nose and mouth seem to be one gaping hole with no separating flesh. [Note: cleft palate?] I could imagine an uneducated husband and wife, both horrified by this supposed monstrosity… finally abandoning the child, either on their own or due to pressure from ‘close’ sources. Though the rest do not have deformities, they are all pathetically small in size, with little wrinkled faces. I go back to where I picked up the little angel in my arms to put her back in her crib. She holds on to my fingers, trying to stand and walk towards me. Still holding my fingers, she does one of those typical baby like things that make her head bob up and down while tugging on my fingers and bending her knees in turn. I gently remove her little fingers from my own and put them on the crib. She stands unsteadily and watches me leave the room. I can’t resist turning back and looking. She’s still watching.

I feel a tug on my trousers. Looking down, I see a little girl of perhaps 6 years looking up at me with arms outstretched. Carry me! I’m only too happy to oblige. She seems properly nourished… but she’s so light! I carry her for the rest of our visit around the mission. She clings to me each time I initiate the process of putting her back on her feet. She doesn’t want to go. I cannot imagine the busy nuns have time to administer love to these children… they’re too busy with the ‘care’ part of things. How do children react to the absence of love in their lives? Some, like this one reach out for it. What do others do? Do they grow up to be loveless individuals, or do they lavish it on others to account for receiving none themselves? Do we really want to find out what happens by experimenting or letting it continue, or ensure it never happens? Nice thought. How do you do it?

We left the mission with a heavy heart. There is so much you want to do for these little souls. What you can do, within your means seems so little. The only meaningful thing I could think of was an initial contribution in cash or kind and continued efforts through a percentage of my income. Another thing I could do was to spread the word, which I’m doing now. Spread the word about kind nuns, tireless efforts, lovely babies in need and much more, none of which can be written, only experienced. Look into the eyes of one of those children who have started their life with rejection, the extent of which could destroy one of us at a much later age. When they look back into your eyes with nothing but love and unrequited hope… you’ll know.

Barista

2006-01-18T13:00:00.000+05:30

I'm not sure how much the takeover of Barista has helped the company. As mentioned earlier in this blog, I had a problem with their blueberry muffin. I filled out the feedback form, sent them an email and contacted them on their website. Till date, probably a month now or more, I have yet to receive a response.

Today, inspiration struck and I thought I should call someone at their New Delhi Regional Office, as mentioned on their website. So I did.

"Thank you for calling Barista. Please dial your extension number or wait for operator asssitance"
"Thank you for calling Barista. Please dial your extension number or wait for operator asssitance"
"Please wait transferring to operator"
[someone picks up][someone hangs up][crash!]

Somehow, I have a very poor impression of companies who do not seem able to meet their customers, or vice versa. Barista seems to have joined the list. Anyway, it was good while it lasted. :(

Cafe Coffee Day, Here I come!! :)

BFM

The Nigerian Scam

2006-01-17T19:12:00.000+05:30

I'm sure we've all heard of the Nigerian Scam Letter thingie, which has now become a permanent feature for anyone with an email account anywhere. I receive similar emails on a regular basis, however, thanks to Google's excellent spam protection, rarely ever see them. Today, I had this overwhelming urge to take a look at my 'spam' folder, and found a letter within which essentially ended with giving me a great deal of money and keeping the rest to purchase agricultural machinery for the writers country. Something happened inside my head, which forced me to reply to the gentleman in question. Thought I'd put it up here.

---
Dear Mr. Okodi,

It gives me immense pleasure to introduce you to a product we call 'extra strong aftershave lotion'. This when used in conjunction with a naturally occurring substance called 'bamboo' and placed in a position of depth in the external opening of your large intestine, will produce a sensation that may cause you to rethink your strategies towards the purchase and import of agricultural machinery for your country.

I thank you for your interest in my participation, however, I find myself unable to partake of your generous offer. Having said that I assure you that it would be an honor to conduct the action mentioned in the previous paragraph, with my own hands, should you so desire or should we happen to meet, whichever is earlier.

Warm Regards,

BFM
------------------- ORIGINAL LETTER BELOW ----------------------
From the desk of mr. Michael okodi.
Union bank of nigeria plc.
Lagos-nigeria.
3/01/05

Dearfriend,

Strictlly a private business proposal.

I am mr. Michael okodi, the manager, bills and exchange at Theforeign remittance department of the union bank of nigera plc. I am writing this letter to ask for your support and cooperation to carry out this business opportunity in my department. We discovered an abandoned sum of $15,000.000.00 (fifteen million united states dollars only) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family of a wife and two children in november 1997 in a plane crash. Since we hard of his death, we have been expecting.his next-of-kin to come over and put claims for his money as the heir, because we cannot release the fund from his account unless someone applies for claim as the nextof-kin to the deceased as Indicated in our banking guidelines. Unfortunately, neither their family member nor distant relative has ever appeared to claim the said fund. Upon this discovery, i and other officials in my department Have agreed to make business with you and release the total amount into your account as the heir of the fund since no one came for it or discovered he maintained account with our bank, otherwise the fund will be returned to the banks treasury as unclaimed fund.we hae agreed that our ratio of Sharing will be as statedthus: 25% for you as foreign partner,65% for us the officaials in my department and 10% for The settlement of all local and foreign expenses incurred by us and you during the course of this business. Upon the sucessful completion of this transfer, i and one of my colleagues will come to your country and mind our share. It Is from our 60% we intend to import agricultural machineries into my country as a way of recycling the fund. To commence this transaction, we require you to immediately indicate your interest by a return e-mail and enclose your private contact telephone number, fax number full name and address and your designated bank coordinates to enable us file letter of claim to the appropriate departments for necessary approvals before the transfer can be made.

Note also, this transaction must be kept strictly confidential because of its nature.

I look forward to receiving your prompt response.

Mr. Michael okodi.
+234-803-5066791
----

The AMMMSD

2006-01-16T15:34:00.000+05:30

That stands for the 'Architectural Maturity Milestone Model for Software Development'. Whew! Now that we've finished typing the extra large and pompous title for this entry, perhaps we can get started on the task of actually writing what its supposed to be all about. I've always wondered why people/organisations have these large acronyms for concepts they want to write about. Now I know. There really isn't any other way, if you have to get your point across.
---
One of the recurring problems i have faced (which i'm sure others have too) in my time in software development is the immaturity of architectural designs that are used as blueprints for development plans, coding and the 'final' delivery of the finished product. the pressure of delivery combined with a certain lack of visualisation ensures that most 'final' designs are really quite immature in scope, vision, mission and functionality.

this is typically realised after projects plans have been finalised and development has begun and this developer gets his hand into the air and says 'ummm... i'm done with this component, but i'm not sure where to use it.' at which point the architect gets his back up and says '#$$%%^&@ developers...' then realises there's no mention in the design of where that component is to be plugged in or the other way around, what plugs into it.

depending on the process maturity of the organisation and the severity of the design flaws found, either corrections are made, documentation updated and development phased for the next round or meetings are hurriedly held, no documentation updates happen, and the development team is asked to adhere to the changes 'as discussed'. more likely, an average organisation will take the middle path, however, mostly development decisions are taken on the fly and coding direction changes abruptly. more often than not, this is unhealthy for any project or product, whatever the reason.

this is the reason behind the lofty title of this article and the spending on my time on random design issues. since this a work in progress, i may be posting incomplete bits and pieces.
---
essentially what we are trying to accomplish here is pretty simple. we are attempting to create an asynchronous synergy between design and development cycles. various milestones are created in the design process. these are denoted as 'current architectural maturity milestones'. at these milestones, the development plan can be created/modified based on the design documents formally handed over. When thats done, we assume that:

1. development may change direction
2. direction changes occur as a gradient rather than an abrupt turn.
3. design maturity has drastically increased

having said that, the main intent of the article has been conveyed. the content however, is yet to come. the content here is more about making available a set of design guidelines that provide direction to the young architect in making designs in a fashion that development can begin quickly, the design rapidly matures, development direction doesn't change at all, or if it does, it does not quite gradually and 'final' blueprints are achieved and accepted with a minimum of fuss.

for example, consider this. what is the ideal point to begin an architecture, so the first maturity milestone can quickly be established, and development can begin? should it be something basic to the system or something that is peripheral to the system? chances are, designs at the beginning of the design cycle will be mostly likely changed later, so should it be something basic? if its changed later, the development team will scream bloody murder. alternatively, how can we effectively visualise something peripheral to the system if we are not aware of the basic building blocks? Again, we run the risk of alienating developers because they will be writing blind code, without really understanding what they're building.
--- end of session**16 jan 2006---

Educated Fools

2006-01-14T15:28:00.000+05:30

I recently came across a gentleman who was 'US Return', before it fashionable to do so. Only problem is, I'm still searching for the value add! :-)

His management style promotes politics and dilution of authority, he has no idea on conducting business or business ethics, he's been supposedly running a company for a while now, and its in the red, his people haven't been paid for 3 months now, he has 400 people working where 70 would suffice, he's down to hiring failed family fools in key positions, deep in debt, perhaps to the fixed asset value of both himself and the company, he's lost respect to the point where people who used to say 'sir' behind his back and in their phone books, now call him by his last name and 'old man' in hindi. He refuses to guide people, provide support, correct errant staff, and then fires people when they do not deliver, saying 'other people think you cant deliver... not me', prescribes psychiatric care for everyone he meets and then downs 6 'uppers' a day.

After thinking about it, I realized, he sincerely has no idea how to do business and therefore relies on others. The only problem is, since his management style is highly politicized, his 'blue eyed boy wonders' very quickly become company pariahs... in a matter of months even. So, its from one to the next. Sad, though one can't do a thing about it. :-) Would have been a very nice situation to be in.

Whats the story?

BFM

Our Educational Heritage

2006-01-14T14:46:00.000+05:30

A friend from Gurgaon recently visited us at home. During the course of the evening, we hapenned to mention that our daughter has just got into a good school, and considering the hysteria that often surrounds school admissions, we really didn't experience much of it.

He gave me an odd look and proceeded to relate possibly one of the most horrifying tales I had heard till date on the high handedness of schools, especially in the National Capital Region.

Apparently there's this school in Gurgaon, that had admissions open and had a bunch of parents in, eager to have their kids attend this paragon of educational virtue. Now, 3 year olds can be temperamental and may not provide much entertainment for bored principals and teachers. So, pushing the limits of ethics and morality, here's what they came up with, to ensure 'good' kids enter the school.

All the parents sit in a room with a couple of teachers present. The teachers hold a roster of couples in their hands, putting down points for each stage / question asked. One teacher asks 'So which one of you can sing?' One young mother bursts into song. Good. 1 point. Another teacher asks 'anyone can play the guitar'. Most people are now thinking 'she must be joking', but then one enthusiastic father jumps up and begin strumming the air, and the teacher silently assigns a point, they think 'holy shit, she's serious. we better begin making fools of ourselves, or our kids are never going to fulfill their destiny as rocket scientists'. And so began a session of immeasureably foolish proportions where mothers were asked to run a race on one leg, fathers had to jump and grab jalebis dangling in the air, with their mouths with their hands behind their backs, teams had to build bunkers, given situations where the country was being attacked and so on.

The next time our journalists decide to have a sting operation, I'm sure a school admission test would make for some pretty side splitting footage.

BFM

Masala Magic, Sector 18, NOIDA

2006-01-13T07:51:00.000+05:30

Every once in a while you come across a place that is truly a pleasure to be at. This time it's Masala Magic.

We were looking for a quick bite at Yo China, the wife had to visit a client and the child was cranky and the husband (me) had to get back to work after buying a new UPS. Looking up around for the familiar yellow billboard, we spotted another sign - 'Masala Magic, Goan Chettinad and Punjabi'. Now that was one hell of a combination! The adventurer in me sufficiently aroused, we decided to push our luck with another new restaurant. The entrace could have been a little less camouflaged.

Entering, you find a cosy little room (30 covers) with really thoughtful decor and best of all, appropriate music. Here it was guitar based stuff. Since I don't follow music groups or types much, all I know, is that it matched my mood and the mood of the place.

The menu wasn't extensive but it was enough. You have to see it to understand what I mean. Some places believe the more items they stuff their menu with, the more $$$ they earn. I'm not sure thats true, since I've only seen one place where the menu was chock full and each item was good - Nirose, Jaipur.

We ordered Pork Sorpotel, Nilgiri Vegetable Korma and Rice with tall glasses of chilled peach ice tea. Everything was good and I think I could daresay... homemade. We had a nice time. The service was outstanding, the prices reasonable and the ambience all one could ask for.

I will definitely be going again and would recommend it anyday.

Meal for two: 500
Rating: 8/10
[1 less point for selling bottled water above MRP. While the (very polite and well spoken) owner had a point, I still believe the law is the law and if you're not adding any value, sell at MRP. Else, build it into the price of the meal and make it seem complimentary]

BFM

VIP Movement

2006-01-06T13:35:00.000+05:30

Coming to office today, just stepping out of NOIDA and about to enter the tollroad to Delhi, we encountered a massive holdup. The reason? Some 'important person' has decided to move his/her ponderous rear end to another portion of the National Capital Region.

Police vans, riot control vehicles, personnel, senior officers were all out in the morning chill for the sole purpose of facilitating smooth movement of the previously mentioned rear end. Then again, when you think, it must be for the greater good. After all people wanting to go to hospitals, work, pickups, meetings and other such unimportant activities should consider themselves lucky in being able to contribute to the smooth running of the nation.

Even the cops should get a special presidents commendation citing 'for special duties in facilitation of the moment of bulky rear ends'. Considering thats where most of the political wisdom of this countries lies, it is indeed a great responsibility and achievement.

Tony Blair must have lost his marbles when he took the London subway after his car was stuck in a traffic jam.

BFM

Shatabdi Express

2006-01-03T21:31:00.000+05:30

I recently travelled on the Amritsar Swarna Shatabdi to Jallandhar. The fare price of this train includes refreshments, including meals as applicable. This particular journey had breakfast and snacks included. Since it was an early train, we were looking forward to breakfast. I avoided the egg and chose a veg breakfast. It consisted of 3 french fries or chips, 7 peas and two oily pressed cylinders of potato and breadcrumbs. Taking one bite, I could only taste a lot of rancid oil.

Putting the offending meal aside, I asked the server to please fetch me the complaint book. Now lets get a little background here. I'm normally very tolerating of the Indian Railways, since they are attempting to modernize a little and their Shatabdi efforts are definitely appreciated. However, the food is nearly mostly extremely oily and not up to the mark. After ignoring many such incidents, I decided to ask for the complaint book this time. The server asked the reason and was told it was the food. Ten minutes later I found another tray being thrust into my face. After refusing the replacement, I asked him to please bring me the complaint book. He said it is with the manager, who is in another compartment, so it will take a while. No problem.

After half an hour, I went to the same person and he thrust the Visitors Book into my face this time. Again I refused it and said, I want the complaint register and if they have one. After pleading that his job will go, he finally went to another coach, only to come back with a fresh faced youngster. This chap again goes on that he will do the needful and that everyone will lose their jobs and so on.

Finally, I left it alone.

Obviously the railways have some kind of seriousness about passenger complaints. I'm wondering what would have hapenned had I persisted.

BFM

Radisson Coffee Shop Buffet

2006-01-02T12:04:00.001+05:30

On the second day of training, we went to the buffet at the coffee shop at the Raddison. Very good looking buffer and a huge spread. Indian, cold cuts and continental food.

Yum.
Bleeeeaaakhhhh!!!

I'm told my expression was worth recording for posterity as I withdrew a strand of hair from my mouth. Told a waiter, he told the manager and then comes to me with a brief 'sorry sir'. The manager doesn't even have the courtesy to talk to me.

Again, they should thank their lucky stars I was part of a group and not paying for it individually.

My friend narrates an incident when he was staying there and following the instructions on the key card, just inserted it and left it in there and tried to open it. It didn't. The cleaner who was about, told him to remove it and then try the knob. It worked. Since he is a helpful fellow, very unlike me, he decided to tell the manager that it may be nice to include a note on the card to 'withdraw', along with the 'insert' they had printed. The manager says 'people who are used to staying in good hotels know this already'. The cheek of the little man! Anyhow, my friend, who is not one to be left behind in such circumstances, especially with cheap people in cheap hotels tells him, 'the last time i was at the hyatt, they had proximity cards, which didn't need to be inserted. what is that?' the manager says 'ah, that is much better technology than ours'. to which my friend replies, 'i guess thats what they use in better hotels right?', leaving the manager looking like what he was... a fool.

After spending two days in close proximity to the hotel, i do not think i will be visiting them again for anything except of course their excellent kabab joint in NOIDA - The Great Kabab Factory

Conclusion: Try it out. If you don't get hair, its good.

Rating: 8/10 AND 2/10 (Normal / With Hair)
Meal for two: INR 1500 (whereabouts)

bigfatman

I'Ching, Raddison, New Delhi (Near Airport)

2006-01-02T12:00:00.002+05:30

I hapenned to be attending a training programme (7 Habits Of Highly Effective People - by FranklinCovey South Asia, Highly recommended) in the Raddison. Since it was a full day programme, lunch was part of the programme.

The restaurant's name is I'Ching (or something equally silly, since the IChing is a chinese classic text dated around 5000BC). Walking in, its obvious they've spent a packet on the decor, silverware et al. Its when you start eating that you wish lunch were at one of the numerous dhabas opposite the hotel.

The food was possibly one of the worst renditions of chinese I have ever tasted. The service was even worse. Since we were part of the training group, the waiters may have felt, since they aren't going to get any tips, might as well get them out quickly. So we saw food being unceremoniously dumped on our plates unasked, sloppily at that. The attitude was worse, with questions being answered through monosyllables or neanderthal grunts. I dont think I'll forget the look of astonishment on our trainer's face as he was in earnest discussion with the person opposite him, when a bunch of noodles was dumped into his plate by the person serving us. He was polite enough to ask the person to please serve him when he asks for it. I may not have been so patient.

Since I was part of a group, it may have been out of line to say anything, but I did fill in a feedback form nonetheless. They probably wont read it.

All in all - MUST NOT VISIT.

Rating: 1/10 (for the good cutlery)
Price: Don't know, don't care

BFM

The Great Kabab Factory, Sector 18 NOIDA

2006-01-02T11:55:00.000+05:30

The Great Kabab Factory was earlier the exclusive preserve of the Radisson near the international airport in Delhi. After deciding to show mercy to poor souls like me, it opened up a branch in sector 18, NOIDA.

Walk in and you are struck by the same decor that seems to be a statement. I've seen it in the Radisson, NOIDA and Jallandhar. Identical, down to the uniforms.

They have fixed menus for the day, so dont come expecting an a la carte meal. Both veg and nonvegetarian options are available. A typical non vegetarian menu is:

Mutton Galauti Kabab
Amritsari Fish Kabab
Chicken Boti Kabab
Mutton Chhaap Kabab
Chicken Tangri Kabab

Before the kababs comes a huge platter of salad including some very good water melon. Each of the kababs are tailored to your individual tastes and preferences. The kababs are accompanied by different 'breads' like

Ulte tave ka parantha
butter naan
Tandoori Roti
Lacchha Parantha
XYZ Bread (I cant remember the name, but this is a griddle roti with a very bready texture)

When you're nearly through with the kababs your waiter will bring to your table a selection of the days 'food', that is normally one daal and two vegetable dishes. Buttermilk is served and refilled throughout the meal just like everything else. When you're done with the kababs, its time for biryani. Mutton or chicken biryani served with a plain raita.

When you're done with this as well, its time for desert. The collection normally available is:
Ice cream (three flavours)
A Rice pudding
Halwa
Gulab Jamun
Kheer

Even at the end of the meal, feel free to start off again with the kababs if you so desire. Normal people will find that one of each kabab and one of everything will see them fit to burst. Gourmands (not to be confused with Gourmet) like me take gluttony to the level of a fine science. I find keeping a side plate of water melon, using the breads for nothing more than wiping your hands and only taking the occassional sip of butter milk, takes me to the as-yet-unbroken record of 5 refills of everything! I do like to ensure my waiters are fit and healthy through many trips to the kitchen. Personally, I avoid the daal, vegetables and only take a peck at the biryani. Its the kababs that interest me the most. If anyone else has ideas on how to improve performance at The Great Kabab Factory, drop me a line.

Meal for two: 900 + service tax + taxes (450 fixed per head)
Rating: 9/10
Category: Fine Dining

BFM

Sector 29 Kabab Market, NOIDA

2006-01-02T11:52:00.000+05:30

The kabab market in the sector 29 market NOIDA, doesn't exist before 6:00p . What was flat pavement a few hours previously becomes transformed into a collection of non vegetarian dishes at prices that would make anyone drool. Check out the mutton, chicken and egg wraps, mutton and chicken korma, biryani, veg and chicken momos, boti kababs. From bland to extra spicy its all available here.

Of course, traditional staples like shammi kabab, seekh kabab and chicken tikka are also very much available. On the vegetarian side, you have paneer tikka, corn in cups, spicy vegetable momos, bhelpuri, papdi chaat, gol guppas et al.

Meal for two: Rs. 100
Rating: 9/10
Category: Street Food

BFM

Samarkand, Sector 29, NOIDA

2006-01-02T11:49:00.000+05:30

After being turned away from the Arun Vihar Officers Institute (it was 11pm) we turned towards Samarkand.

Let me be very honest here. I have a bias against places that serve chindian, pinglish and standard north indian fare. Being part of a group and hungry as hell, I didn't have much of a choice but to follow everybody into the place.

I was due for a surprise.

The cutlery was clean and sparkling. The tablecloths were white and maroon and totally spotless, service was polite, wood panelled walls, the decor, while quintessentially punjabi (read ostentatious, shiny and overdone) was not over the top, christmas decorations were nice. I did feel the artificial roses at the table could have been real ones and the music perhaps a little more sophisticated ("tu cheez badi hai..."), but then let me not start whining, the place had already exceeed expectations.

The plates were laid. Wonder of wonders - they had been warmed! At this point I started looking forward to the food. The ever present pickled onions and pickles were placed on the table. I did miss the green chutkey + yoghurt that is normally there.

Coming to the food. We ordered Kadhai Chicken, Green peas in a thick green gravy, dal makhni, tadka dal, mixed rotis and some paneer. Don't know because I didn't do the ordering. Just sat and hogged like a good little glutton.

Let me now admit - The food was great! The service was excellent and overall the experience was wonderful. Though I don't generally eat Indian out, if I do have to go Indian again, this is the place I'm going to hit. BTW: They serve alcohol as well.

Rating: 8.5/10
Meal for two: 400

BFM

Punjabi Tadka - Centrestage Mall, Sector 18, NOIDA

2006-01-02T11:33:00.000+05:30

We had people coming over and needed to take them out for lunch. One of the guests insisted on Indian food, as that was all she liked. Fair enough. Each one to his/her own. So, instead of a quick Chinese (american?) meal at Mark Pi, we went to the restaurant opposite it - Punjabi Tadka. Punjabi Fatka would have been more appropriate, as we found out later.

The place had a buffet, so it instantly won a small place in my stomach, sorry heart. The number of covers that the place could have seated normally was doubled by subjecting diners to cramped seats and the 'pushback-bang-sorry' syndrome. For those of you that don't know what that means, the pushback-bang-sorry syndrome happens when there is about 2 inches of space between the back of your chair and the back of another patrons chair. So you decide to get up and PUSH BACK, then you BANG and then you say SORRY.

Anyway, we stuck to normal (read sordid and boring) food - Tadka Dal (langar wali as per the menu), Kadhai Paneer, Malai Kofta, Sweet corn soup (is that Punjabi?) and Mutton something for me. We also asked for a mixed basket of rotis. Incidently, I'm the only carnivore left in the family now.

The soup arrived. Extra salty. Sent it back.
The food arrived. Kadhai paneer - 2 pieces of paneer, 1 inch all ways.
Mutton - I would help myself, put the spoon in, the oil would flow in and then I would drain it in a plate just for this use, and then repeat the process.
Malai Kofta - Touch it and the malai kofta turned into paneer bhurji.
Dal - Ok
Rotis - Exceptional!

Finger bowls - cold water. Asked for warm/hot water. Again arrived - Cold water. 'Sir geyser nahin chal raha hai'. That did it. Went to the manager and requested him to provide hot finger bowls, or I will go to the buffet, take down a dish and wash my hands in the bowl of hot water underneath it. The geyser suddenly started working and we had hot water.

The bill arrived. All ok. Except that two bottles of mineral water had been priced at Rs 27 each, mentioned as 'water mix'. No can do mate! Went to the manager

BigFatMan: "This is the mineral water?"
Manager: "Yes sir"

BFM: "You're selling bottled water above the MRP?"
M: "Its water mix sir"

BFM: "Is it mentioned on the menu?"
M: "No sir. Its water mix"

BFM: "Are you aware I will send you a notice for this, on your name"
M: "But its not mineral water sir"

BFM: [whips out his camera and takes a picture of the table and bottles]
BFM: "still water mix?"
M: "Please give me the bill sir, I'll amend it"

BFM: "I shall be eternally greatful and obliged for your generosity"

Anyhow, I'm not sure we're going there again. I did like the rotis though. Did I mention the service sucked? No? Well it did! Can't blame the manager actually. The owners make most of these policies and can't be bothered either way. He's just doing his job.

Rating: 3/10
Meal for Two: INR 350

BFM

Why not earlier?

2005-12-19T11:24:00.000+05:30

Its hapenned in the past and it continues to happen every single day of our lives. We as a people, just do not place sufficient value on human life. Profit, regardless of amount is far more important.

Take the very recent case of Pratibha Srikanth Murthy, who was brutally raped and murdered by the driver of her taxi, which the very prominent call center she worked for in Bangalore had hired. Now the call center industry very conveniently says 'we outsource transport'. That statement however doesn't bring down the responsibility they have towards employees. And they know it. So rules and policies are now being made by very knowledgeable managers and senior vice presidents. The fact is, it could have been done earlier, everyone was aware of the possibility, minor events have happened... but then as long as it doesnt make the newspapers, or someone doesn't die... its not worth it, is it?

The other incident that comes to mind is that of a child in a prominent school in NOIDA. He was sliding down the bannisters (as well all did) from the fourth floor and slipped in between the stairwells, and fell down four stories and landed on his head. The gap was just large enough for a child of his size. He wasn't expected to make it. The school board promptly makes large magnanimous announcements that they will cover the cost of all his treatment... after all how much would it cost. Just a few more days and thats it. Wrong! The kid survived and and began recovering. Then the board (trustees if you will) discreetly tells the parents how they cannot pay for the treatment and so on. I think this incident uncovers the totally shameless nature of how some schools are being run. And oh! The school also claims that they were not responsible for the incident, whilst hastily covering up and making the stairways more secure.

Incoming news states that the city of New Delhi is not ready to handle crises. Its trauma centres do not have beds, no cardiologists in the cardiology department... as usual, we are waiting for something to happen before which we refuse to move our considerable posteriors and plan proactively.

bigfatman

Landgoons? Goonlords? No! They're Landlords!

2005-12-13T16:06:00.000+05:30

I live in as a tenant in a housing colony in NOIDA that was originally made only for purchase by army personnel. So the majority of houseowners are army officers.

This happened to my neighbour.

Their goonlord, a colonel in the Indian army, dropped in one fine day and says, "Clear out all your stuff from the garage. I need to use it." My neighbour, a very peaceful and nice person, asked him how long he intended to use it, after all he *was* paying for it, since it was included in his agreement and in the rent he paid. Additionally, since he was using it and the said garage was full of stuff, the question was a pertinent one. The goonlord says "none of your business". Then my neighbour asked him if he would consider reducing the rent, since the facility of a garage did play a part in the rent, and why would he want to pay for something he wasn't using? The goon then says, "no rent decrease. if you don't give me the garage, consider this one month's notice to vacate the house." Now, a person who has settled into a house, with wife and family can't just move out. So he gave in, and cleared out his garage.
My question is:
How can a senior army officer, who are considered by and large decent people, behave in such a crass, stupid, bullying, manner?

If I was in my neighbours place, I'm not sure what I would have done, but probably, my response would have taken the form of my index finger pointed in the general direction of the not-so-gentleman's nose, and a polite request to sue me. Knowing Indian courts, it would have been the better part of 10 years before the idiotColonel would have seen his house again.

Dear goonColonel, if you're reading this, you probably know which house I'm speaking of. While it is very clear your upbringing was deficient in decency and good values, perhaps you could take a lesson from your tenant and behave in a manner befitting an army officer and not a neighbourhood stray canine. I understand you're experiencing a lot of peer pressure, as many of your colleagues have recently made it to the front pages of the national newspapers for various activities like bootlegging liquor, influencing arms tenders, dowry etc. However, there are many other ways of seeing your mug shot on the front page, than harassing compliant people.

In the last few years I've noticed the quality of army personnel degrading right from the enlisted man to senior officers. Take for example that most people today include army drivers in the list of road bullies and they now occupy the coveted spot right next to bus drivers. Or toll roads. Now toll roads are meant to be paid for by those who use it. The rules however, mention that defence personnel *on relevent duty* can show their papers and forgo the toll. I've seen private vehicles driven my army officers, drive up these roads, hold up the entire queue, and argue about why they want to go through the tollgate free. They will then continue their verbal tirade for about 10 minutes, fight for the princely sum of 20 rupees, and then grandly wave their hands, signifying the end of the arguement and fork out the money, with an attitude, that it didn't really matter to them in the first place.

Apparently dignity, decency and officer like behavior are phrases that the Indian Army has deleted from its dictionary and training.

Bigfatman

Barista Blueberry Muffin

2005-12-11T11:27:00.000+05:30

Here's a letter I just sent Barista, India. I'll post any responses I receive.
---
Dear Feedback,

I visited Barista in Sector 18, Noida yesterday and ordered the following:

1 Guava Smoothie
1 Mango Smoothie
1 Cheese & Harissa Sandwich (it wasn't really harissa btw)
1 Black forest something
1 Paneer sandwich
1 Veg panini
1 Blueberry muffin

Everything was good (as usual) except for the blueberry muffin. A photograph is attached. What I'd like to point out here is a blueberry muffin isn't really composed of a single berry. For a muffin of that size, it needed at 8 - 10. What I got was a small berry at the very bottom of the muffin.

While I did start initially like Barista very much, and have spent hours there with my family, it has been things like this which have caused this last visit to Barista to be the ONLY one in this past YEAR. I'm not speaking of 'value for money here', I'm speaking of being downright ripped off due to poor quality merchandise.

To add to the experience, when I told the person behind the counter, he flashes a big smile and says 'Really? Please fill this also.' and proceeded to give me a feedback form from behind the counter. While he may have been trying to be helpful, the message that came across was 'So? I really dont give two hoots for your muffin. If you want you can fill in this as well, for all its going to help.'

I'd like to know if Barista values my continued patronage of its outlets and am looking forward to a response from you. My postal address is:

[snipped - address]

Best Regards,

[snip - my name]
PS: The photograph and mail is on my weblog as well.

The Degree Farce

2005-12-07T16:03:00.000+05:30

As of all of us know, we in India require degrees to get a decent job. I haven't ever thought much of this policy, and haven't supported it through merit based hiring and not by academic qualifications.

I was made aware of how widespread this trend is, when I was visiting a client's office recently. We all know what an office boy does. He does the odd jobs around the office, brings the coffee, dusts the place etc. The office boy at my client's office comes to me and says he is looking to do something better in life. He wants to become a graphic designer. I say 'great! tell me how i can help'. It turns out he has been working here for the last 6 years, has a Bachelors Degree in Arts (English) and is only looking for general guidance.

Its reaching amazing proportions now. Most people don't learn *anything* at college. The examination system is flawed and the uptodate portions of the syllabus would fit inside the left ear of a gnat. So what is this great fixation with degrees anyway? This great love of sophisticated sounding degrees is what causes hellholes like IIPM to get so big and then actually begin to believe the stuff they print in their ads. As can you see from earlier posts, I'm not a big fan of IIPM. A close family friend was telling me how he is getting his daughter into IIPM. I told him to cease and desist. Told him that their degrees aren't worth the paper they are printed on. Naturally, he asked me 'Why?'. All I could tell him was that the book written by their star was a piece of crap. Thankfully, now there are many more sources of information I can point him to.

I'm trying to make a difference to this scenario in whatever little way I can by TOTALLY disregarding degrees. I've hired people from IIT, noname universities, without degrees and everything else, FULLY based on merit. So they say 'I've got the Advanced BTech Honours from BigPlushUniversity'. I say 'wonderful. just fill out this form and write this test and then come do this assignment in the development lab'. They say 'but I have this great big degree that says I know everything!'. At which point they must choose if want to work for me or worship the degree.

To end: Who would you rather hire, a competent person or a qualified one?

"Mineral" water

2005-11-24T16:43:00.000+05:30

I recently found myself shifting to an area where the water is very hard. the way to go is either install a reverse osmosis water purifier or opt in for mineral water cannisters to be delivered to your home. my man friday (domestic help) brought a brand other than the preferred premium brand. While disapproving of it, I saw that it was ISI marked and claimed to use reverse osmosis method of filtration etc. My doubts satisfied, I told him to continue. A few days back, we found the level of particulate matter suspended in the water to be high, but atttributed it to be due to the glasses being washed using tap water.

Visiting another locality recently, I saw a number of empty cannisters, similar to the one delivered to my house, lying at the side of the road, being filled by a person from the 'water agency', recapped, resealed and delivered to shops beside. Amazing.

Needless to say, we have shifted to the premium brand, which once again proves why its the bestselling mineral water going around.

Here are some pictures. Unfortunately I wasn't fast enough on the draw to capture the guy actually filling the water, but the wet area on the ground is very indicative of the preceding activities. The black plastic can you see on the left hand side (middle) of both the images are the source, from which the transparent cannisters (on the wet ground behind the cart) were filled. Nothing special really, the guy just picks up the the black one and pours it into the transparent one. Even if there were some kind of sealed pipe system, I may have not been so critical. But this is being done without any regard to safety or hygene. Of course, considering the manner in which its being done (openly), I must give them full marks for transparency.

I'm wondering on what basis the Indian Bureau of Standards, that issues the 'trusted' ISI mark, makes its decisions. I mean, even if the cannisters contain clean water, the method of delivery, filling and so on, makes a big difference to the end product.

Perhaps ignoring the ISI mark makes more sense for now.

IIPM Interviews

2005-11-16T15:59:00.000+05:30

Here's a post by Aishwarya at Rashmi's Blog. (in the comments. Make sure you read the initial comments [first few] from the IIPM students first. Classic, sexual comments from intellectually frustrated people)
---
I'd love to be present at these kids' placement interviews in a couple of years.

"So, young man, how do you deal with criticism?"
"I call my critic a lesbian, sir."
---
Lovely and original. ROFLMAO!

IIPM - Latest Courses

2005-11-16T15:55:00.000+05:30

Here are the latest courses being offered by IIPM worldwide (of course!):

Diploma in Sexual Harassment (Special focus on e-techniques)
Certificate Course on Character Assasination (Discount for unemployed IIPM 'graduates')
Post Graduate Diploma in Megalomania
Bachelors Degree in Fraudulent Advertising Semantics

... there may be more. Must call the big C to find out more.

IIPM - Supporters

2005-11-16T15:34:00.000+05:30

Its amazing how many so called educated people cannot boast of a good upbringing. Check out the comments posted for Rashmi's blog and you'll see what I mean. The people who are posting these sexually explicit, nasty comments, couldn't possible know what 'intelligent' conversation or a debate means. On the other hand, I guess its these sorts who join institutes (if it may be called so) like IIPM.

See Rashmi's Blog (see comments at the end)

IIPM - Name dropping

2005-11-16T14:53:00.000+05:30

IIPM has listed the names of some people who have apparently taken sessions for its students. Some agree to have taken sessions but are not aware of their names being used, while others completely deny anything to do with IIPM. I cross checked the list on the IIPM website (below) and the blog (also below) with the individual correspondences with many of the mentioned names today and found the findings of the blog to be true.

The IIPM Page
The Blog containing the individual correspondences

IIPM Continued

2005-11-16T14:43:00.000+05:30

The more I read, the more amazed I am by this entity called IIPM. It can be said that there is definitely plenty to learn from them, if only about media and PR hypes. Of course, this recent action by them seems to be more of a knee jerk reaction rather than something that has been well thought through.

Can anyone tell me where to get information on Mr. Chaudhuri's Jaguar or BMW that uses imported fuel? It was referred to on one blog and I'd like to know more.

IIPM

2005-11-16T14:23:00.000+05:30

I've been reading various blogs and articles about IIBM, Arindam Chaudhuri and Gaurav Sabnis. All I can say is that I fully agree with everyone about everything negative said about IIPM and Arindam Chaudhuri. I had the misfortune of once buying the 'world famous' book about counting chickens, and I must say it was one of the most trashy books I have ever read. Couldn't go beyond the first 5 lines. The author seemed to be writing through a haze of broken MBA dreams and marijuana induced fantasies. The sensible parts of it were rehashes of established theories and concepts.

Also, I fully support Gaurav Sabnis' and Varna's and admire their courage in standing up for what they believe in. It is so much easier for most people to just bow out, keep your head down and hope things will die out soon. Keep it up!!

Read The Truth.
Read The Original Blog.

Perceptions

2005-04-22T07:08:00.000+05:30

Imagine this. A single globule of perception, formed nearly instantly, gradually changing shape over time and affecting all in your life throughout its own lifetime. Some change with growing maturity ('I am going to make a million bucks'), some fade away with a sprinkling of experience ('I really shouldn't press glowing red buttons') and some remain unchanged throughout ('my mother is the best cook in the world') ones life.

Funny things, these perceptions really. Can we give them a real life name, like a perceptron perhaps? And also imagine it as a shapeless mercurial blob during its weaker moments and as a shimmering, perfectly formed sphere when it is at the highest moments of its power to influence? Then after that imagine each person with the baggage of his or her perceptions as small blobs/spheres that float around their heads, slowly changing shape, fading away, growing larger...

There! We have it now. A perceptron is a psychological substance, that is a satellite in its navigatory nature, is an influencing catalyst to mental process in its chemical nature, impossible to hold on to and slippery in its physical nature.